From our perspective

Around this time last year, I published a piece about military spouses. All contributors were female. But there are two sides to every story. I felt I would be remiss if I didn’t provide the other viewpoint that is often forgotten – the perspective of the male military spouse.

There is no doubt it can be difficult to enter into a world that is foreign (in more than one way), however after doing more research I found one of the bigger differences between female and male spouses are the opportunities for involvement. Most of the activities offered for military spouses are geared toward the female population as well as mothers and children. These situations can make it difficult for the male counterparts to find a place in the same exact setting. Many people assume that when it comes to military families, the male spouse is the active duty member and the wife is the caretaker/home maker.

In August 2016, Defense Manpower Research published information on Statisticbrain.com revealing more than half of all active duty enlisted members and nearly two-thirds of all active duty officers are married. These numbers hold steady from the latest demographic information on Military One Source in 2014. Of those married, just over 12 percent are active duty female service members. Additionally, research published by The Future of Children in 2013 shows women are far more likely than their male peers to be married to another service member; 48 percent of married active-duty women are in dual-service marriages, compared with only 7 percent of men.

It is clear that facts skew our idea of what represents all military families. Assumptions create an imbalance for the men whose wives are the active duty service members. And while numbers indicate it is rare to come across a military family where the only active duty member is the matriarch, there is no reason their spouses’ voices shouldn’t be heard.

I will admit, before I even began researching this subject I went in with some of my own opinions. I assumed that being a male military spouse would be difficult. I also assumed that many of these men would be angry about the system that is currently in place for military spouses. Although most of what I assumed was proven to be true, I gained tremendous insight into the lives of five men who simply want their voices to be heard.

For nearly 15 years, Carl has been a devoted husband and father to his family of 8. His wife is active duty Air Force stationed at Ramstein. He currently works two jobs – one as a substitute teacher at Ramstein Intermediate School and the other as a counselor at the Ramstein School Age Program.

As a former service member but relatively new military spouse, Christopher feels there is nothing easy about being a male military spouse. Like Carl’s, his wife is also active duty Air Force. He has found it difficult to obtain a job because he and his wife married after arriving in Germany and does not have spousal preference.

Vik has been a military spouse for about two years. After arriving in Germany he started working for Ramstein Youth Programs as a Child and Youth Program assistant. Although he struggles with being homesick he says he has no problem making friends on base.

Jon has only been a military spouse for about ten months. His wife is active duty at Baumholder. As a stay-at-home dad, and soon-to-be father of another child, he struggles to find other male spouses to interact with.

German National and newlywed Marc faces more than one complication. He and his wife, an active duty member at Baumholder, dated for about two years so he has had some exposure to the military lifestyle. He is currently seeking a job but finds it difficult because employment opportunities are limited for local nationals.

All five men were asked the same set of questions. Many answers are very similar while others were unexpected.

What have you found to be the easiest part of being a male military spouse?

Carl explains: “The easiest part of being a male military spouse is supporting my wife’s career. Her dream was to join the military and helping her accomplish that dream has been a reward on its own.”

Interaction with other spouses can be a struggle but Jon feels that “getting along with all of the soldiers” is the easiest part of being a male spouse.

Although he admits it can be different from person to person, Marc believes “having a strong independent wife” makes life a lot easier for him.

What have you found to be the hardest part of being a male military spouse?

Carl’s support creates a home environment where the rest of the family is accepting of their lifestyle. But it definitely comes with some uphill battles.

“Watching the mental, physical, and emotional strain the military life puts on my wife and children” is only the beginning. “I try to be the best father my children deserve but I’m not mommy. There’s a bond that a dad can never live up to, usually. So even though my wife and I chose this lifestyle and the children and I are very close, I’m not mom.”

“People often make comments because I stay at home while my wife works long hours,” Marc explains, “but I don’t mind. We are expecting a baby in the spring so I am sure things might change a bit. Although this situation isn’t common and can be hard for us, overall it isn’t that difficult.”

“The hardest part about being a military spouse is the lack of support.”  Christopher says, “even though there are organizations for spouses, I do not feel I would fit in since the majority of people in them are women.” He worries that forming a friendship with other female spouses may be misconstrued explaining, “even though men and women can be friends, others may view them for something other than they are,” and “[others perceptions] might create a stress on my marriage.”

Stay-at-home dad Jon feels that the hardest part for him is, “finding other male spouses to associate with.”

It is no surprise to hear a similar answer from Vik. “As a male spouse, people automatically assume I must be the one in the military. Usually one of the first things they ask me is, ‘What unit are you with?’” He explains that despite his openness, “more often than not conversations tend to steer toward something military related” and he ends up feeling left out because he cannot relate.

Carl’s experiences in conversation are similar. “The conversations and assumption that I’m active duty always seem to turn awkward once it’s known I’m not nor ever have been [active duty]. Many military members don’t have much to talk about once they learn I’m a spouse.”

Additionally, Carl and Christopher feel that some of the hardest parts of being a male military spouse extend beyond the home.

“Apparently male military spouses have been known for being lazy freeloaders, who just want to pimp the military system.” Carl says he’s “talked to many men over the years and the majority feels the same way I do. It’s hard interacting with [male] military members who look down their noses on me for not being active duty – as if I should be embarrassed.”

Christopher believes his situation is exacerbated because he is unable to work. “Being a male and unable to work as a professional, as I did before I got married and came [to Germany], is difficult on me as a man, not being able to contribute to the household, not being the bread winner.”

Do you/did you get involved with spouse activities provided by the military? Why or why not? Did you like them?

Answers to this question were nearly similar across the board. Although a few were completely unaware there were activities provided for spouses, others seem to have a different take.

Jon admits that he was not aware there were any activities offered to spouses.

Meanwhile Christopher feels his lack of involvement can be seen as inappropriate.

“I have not gotten involved in any spouse’s organization because of the potential for others to view friendships I might make as inappropriate.” He elaborates to explain, “I saw how these [friendships] can ruin marriages, friendships, and careers when I was in the military and do not want to get caught up in any of that.”

Simply put, Vik doesn’t get involved in spouse related activities because “their activities focus more on things I don’t find interesting.”

Marc offers a different perspective. Although he is no stranger on what to expect as a spouse, he says, “I haven’t been involved so far because we just got married, but I would like to experience activities with other spouses.”

What were your expectations (if you had any) about being a military spouse?

It is no surprise that marriage brings change to relationships. For male spouses, that change provides a variety of outcomes as well as surprises.

Marc says he always knew “we would not be able to do everything we wanted to before. For example, we cannot just pick up and fly to London for a weekend because [her] work schedule can change at a moment’s notice.”

Meanwhile both Vik and Jon had no expectations on becoming a military spouse. “I didn’t think it would be any different [being a spouse]. I just thought that the only major difference would be living far away from home.” Vik does admit he was surprised that being a male military spouse was still uncommon in the 21st Century.

Conversely, veteran Christopher explains: “I knew what I was getting into when we got married.  I knew how much gossiping there was between the spouses and that is why I have chosen to stay out of any spouse groups.”

Carl admits he had no expectations but rather a feeling of excitement. “I made up my mind that ‘we’ were making a commitment to our country and anything I had to do to support my wife and country, I would gladly do. I was excited about the new beginnings that lay ahead of us and I still am!”

What question do you most often get asked as a male military spouse?

The most common question asked of our male spouses is, “Are you in the military?” with the follow up of “So then, what do you do?”  It came as no surprise that this was a hot topic for all of the spouses. Most explained that conversations with those who ask the question often turn sour.

“Once I’m asked if I’m in the military and I respond with, ‘no, my wife is,’ the next question is ‘so what do you do then?’ is always asked in a very demeaning and condescending tone.” Carl explains his frustration. “If the conversation goes long enough, I’ll get asked about me as a person but that is on a rare occasion.”

Jon says: “Most people assume I am a service member because I am male, so they usually ask me what unit I am with.”

Similarly, Christopher says: “People always assume I am in the military and not my spouse. So people will ask me what my military job is?”

In 2014, Military One Source found just 15% of U.S. active duty members to be female. As of 2015, Connections Quarterly Journal reported about 10% of German active duty members to be female. Based on these numbers, it is not surprising that Marc, a local national, often gets asked from other Germans, “What is [her] job in the military?” and “Is she out there in combat?” He explains, “Americans will usually ask me if I am in the military too, but since it is less common in Germany they are very curious about my wife’s job.”

What would you tell someone about being a male military spouse that they might not know? Any advice? Do you want things to change?

It is abundantly clear that most people are not familiar with male military spouses and statistics support how uncommon it truly is. But it is a reality for many men and one in which they wish people knew more about. When asked what they wish others knew about being a male military spouse or what kind of advice they would offer people who are knew to the situation, the replies were candid.

As advice to other men who are new to the spouse side, Baumholder spouse Jon says: “I would like to tell them to just be prepared to feel isolated. Be prepared to be looked at funny for not being the service member.” He also recommends staying busy and to be friendly and engaging.

Carl suggests that it will vary from person to person but advises, “[do] not let others’ opinions determine self-worth as a male military spouse.  Everyone has different experiences and come from different backgrounds. So we all bring something different to the table.”

Most of them simply want outsiders to know that although being a male military spouse isn’t always easy, they love their spouse and support this lifestyle.

When it comes to change, they also feel there could be more room for gender-neutral spouse events.

Jon would like to see things change as far as programs go. “They are all geared towards the wives. They don’t have anything that’s gender friendly,” he says.

“People will always have their prejudices. It’s a matter of perspective. Things have changed since we enlisted,” explains Carl, “but only God knows if those changes will continue.”

Everyone is entitled to have their voice heard, even when that voice is in the minority. One can hope that the contributions from the following men provide better understanding for everyone and open a dialogue, creating an environment of
inclusion for all.