You are not alone: Stories from military spouses

Single to married. Ridin’ solo to two’s company. Becoming a new spouse does more than change the semantics of your relationship. It can change your way of life, living situation and home address. But precede ‘spouse’ with the word ‘military,’ and you might find more change than ever expected.

As someone who was a civilian for 33 years prior to becoming a military spouse, I had no idea what to expect. I didn’t grow up in a military family. My stepfather served in Vietnam, but he rarely talks about his experiences. The first real interaction I had with veterans and active-duty service members was working at my local Veterans of Foreign Wars. It was a world I was not familiar with, but I immediately related to their dedication, love of our country and desire for the greater good. I will forever be thankful for that experience because it is where I met my husband.

A year and a half later, I found myself on my first permanent change of station to Germany. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I knew I would need to take a more active approach to find some sort of comfort. Aside from the culture shock in a world without anything familiar save my husband, I was harboring feelings of worry, loneliness and frustration.

Prior to meeting my husband, I had two separate, consecutive careers where I found myself living in three states, traveling the world, and making lifelong friends. I also worked four other part-time jobs. I was a high school swim coach for an amazing group of young ladies. I lived near my family and best friends. I had formed a support group that is now an ocean away.

Don’t misunderstand me. I love my husband and the life we have together. But if you had told me how different life would be as a military spouse, I would not have believed you. One of the most glaring aspects for me was entering a world where I knew no one. Literally. I knew my husband. That was it. I have never had a problem meeting new people, but I wasn’t quite sure that I would find a friend to whom I could relate. Many of the new spouses I meet agree they feel lonely at times, and they miss their support groups from home. As nice as it is to know I am not alone, sometimes I wish I had known what to expect, not that it would have changed my feelings for my husband in the slightest.

I am a planner. I am usually very organized and always prepared. I’ve often wondered if there was a way to learn from one another in order to make the transition easier for new spouses or to prepare spouses for an experience that might not be familiar. I reached out to the local military community for their own thoughts and experiences. What I found were five wonderful spouses who were open, honest and candid.

Erin comes from a military family. She has been married for almost three years. Germany is her first PCS, but her second duty station. Prior to meeting her husband, she was a newspaper reporter and continues to work as a freelance writer and blogger. Even though she has experience with the armed services, the mother of two still finds some aspects of the military lifestyle difficult.

“The hardest part of military life for me is being far from my family, friends and loved ones. I also can’t say that I’ll ever get used to some of the ‘that’s just the way we do it’ policies that don’t always make sense to me. It is sometimes difficult to plan for the future, not knowing where we’ll live next or if the job is going to call my husband away during times that are special for us as a family. It has been a work in progress learning how to adapt and make the most of the time we do have together,” Erin explained. “I really admire my mother and all she did to keep our military house afloat. She raised nine children traveling about as a military spouse and did it with such grace and class. She’s definitely my hero.”

When asked what the best part of her military experience has been, Erin said: “I enjoy meeting new people and interacting with different cultures, both in different American regions and all over the world. I’ve made some wonderful friends, both military and civilian, and I really enjoy a sense of pride in what my husband does. I admire the sacrifices he makes to serve our country.”

She also loves the tight-knit community of the military.

“Ask all the questions you can,” Erin recommends. “Older seasoned spouses know the ropes and can help you look out for your family’s interests and not get lost in processes (which goes for anything from PCSing to setting up in a new duty station and learning more about everyday life).”

Knowing support is important in the military environment, Erin is involved with Protestant Women of the Chapel.

“It is always nice to plug in with the local chapter at each duty station and be able to connect with a group of like-minded women who have similar experiences and have an instant network of friends and connections,” she said.

Even though Erin has a few years under her belt, she still wishes she could go with the flow a little better, admitting she is a bit dramatic at every parting, whether for 24-hour shifts, a week separation or several months. During these times of separation, Erin says it is her trust in her husband and knowing that he loves her and they will be together again soon that keeps her going.

Danette has been a military spouse for three years and served as an Army medic for four years, marrying her husband in her final year of active service. She admits she didn’t realize what life would be like as a spouse.

“I thought getting out of the Army would provide me with the freedom to enjoy whatever career I wanted,” Danette said. “I didn’t realize as a spouse, I’d have to change careers or start over every few years, along with getting paid much less than my civilian counterparts.”

Similar to Erin, Danette struggles with uncertainty.

“It’s hard never being able to plan your career or even events that are a few months away because you never know if there’s a mission or if leave will be granted,” she explained.

Danette fills her time working for Outdoor Recreation and One Stop Shop, helping with the trips and community information. She knows getting involved is important.

“If you don’t work, try to volunteer when you can,” Danette recommends. “Being a spouse overseas (or anywhere) can be extremely isolating. It helps to put yourself in the middle of the community and have more support from others that understand.”

She also recommends new spouses do as much traveling as possible, explaining it has been the best part of her military experience.

“As hard as it is, I love having to move every few years,” Danette admitted. “It forces me to explore the nearby areas that most people would never have the opportunity to.”

Lisa A. is a German national and just shy of a year as a military spouse. While her father served in the “Budeswehr,” “German army,” this is her first experience with the U.S. military. She admits it was difficult at first.

“We got married in March, but it took six months until our command sponsorship was approved and (we) finally move in together,” she said. “It was a frustrating time because we could only see each other weekends since I lived in Heidelberg and he lived in Baumholder.”

Lisa has also struggled with some of the things she had to give up.

“Moving away from all my family and friends and giving up my work was harder than I expected,” Lisa admitted. “All day home alone almost drove me crazy. I also had a little culture shock when I moved here.”

Of course, there have also been benefits to Lisa’s transition.

“We got to go to a marriage retreat in Edelweiss/Garmisch for a weekend which was really nice,” she said. “I also really like the opportunity of going back to school, since my degrees from here (Germany) won’t count for much once we move back to the states.”

Incredibly proud of her husband and all that he does, Lisa is eager to learn more about the military and all it has to offer.

She also offered some of her own “newbie” advice: “Never put yourself under pressure. Make friends with people you really like, and just be yourself.

Lisa-Marie married her husband in January 2015. Similar to Erin, she comes from a military family where her father and cousin served in the armed forces. Making the most of her first PCS move, Lisa says the best part of her military experience so far has been meeting so many different people, some if which are now her really good friends. Lisa feels meeting people is the easiest part of being a military spouse.

The mother of one says being away from her family and friends is the worst part of her experience, but she enjoys having the ability to travel all over Europe.

Michelle has the longest tenure as a military spouse among the group. Although moving to Germany is technically her first PCS move, she did move to Fort Gordon to join her husband shortly after their wedding. Much like myself, the mother of two had little experience with the military.

“Does my grandfather’s brother serving count? Otherwise, not at all,” she joked.

Admittedly, Michelle never thought she’d be part of such a large, yet small, community.

“The overall military community is not as tight as one may think,” She said. “It’s easy to seclude yourself in your home, focusing on your family or your own pity party.”

Michelle also shared what she likes the most and the least about being a military spouse.

“The best part about being a military spouse would be learning about and experiencing the wonderful world of the military, (which is) sometimes similar but often very different then what is portrayed on television and in the movies,” she explained.

“The worst part is giving up the ability to plan one’s day, week, month or year,” Michelle said. “You never know when an unexpected staff duty, training mission, TDY, deployment or orders (or) PCS is on your horizon.”

Despite having to leave an 18-year career in operations management, Michelle is in good spirits. She is taking online classes and preparing herself and family for whatever the future holds.

“There are lots of opportunities,” she said. “You just have to put yourself out there and not give up. In time, and with a little perseverance, you will find your place.”

Everyone has his or her own story. Your story might not be exactly like these, but they have relatable elements. Prior to hearing these ladies’ stories, I thought I was always going to be an outsider. I thought, “no one will ever understand what I’m going through.” And while many people cannot necessarily relate to my exact story, many people can empathize.

I think the biggest takeaway for me and for all spouses is to be flexible. Even if you never get used to the constant change, it’s important to remember there are others who have been there and are still experiencing them, even spouses who’ve been married for more than 20 years. You are not alone, even if it feels that way.